Nineteen years ago, I was in the deepest, darkest place my mind could take me.
My thinking was confused, there was no clarity. It felt like my whole life was falling apart. Everything I had built, worked for and believed felt as if it were a lie. My head was full. My thoughts were racing!
The weird bit was it was all bottled up, how I presented myself to the world had to mask what was really going on. I could not appear weak. I had to be that happy confident guy, it was a big lie.
We carry things quietly, put on a brave face. Say we are okay, keep going because that is what we have been taught to do. For me, a lot of that came from old programming.
Showing the world what was really going on would have appeared weak. Proper men were the strong silent type. Men did not fall apart; we certainly did not talk about our feelings, or cry. However, that is just what I wanted to do! Fall apart and cry. Actually in a way that is what I did in the form of an incomplete attempt to end my life! At this point I will not go into the details. My story is out there for anyone to read.
I am writing this because someone may need to read it.
You may be struggling yourself, or know someone who is. It might be a member of your family, a friend, workmate or partner. The important bit is what came after.
My repair was a layered approach which at times was very uncomfortable. Sometimes it felt like I was going backwards. There were times I needed to be kind and considerate to myself. Understand that not only did I have contaminated thinking to deal with I also had an incurable chronic health condition as well!
Thoughts Create Our Reality
One of the biggest things I came to understand is that thoughts are not reality. However it is those very thoughts that create our view of the world and how we fit into it.
At the time I completely believed all the things that had been said to me about my abilities, my capabilities academically and they all added up to I am not blessed in that department . It felt as if my mind was telling me the truth. But looking back, I can see that many of those thoughts were coming from old beliefs and opinions about me.
These were things I had been told, the way we should behave, opinions made about me and my abilities. I now realise those were all said to me by other people and were very much their view of the world.
Those thoughts are not facts. They are old stories that my behaviour made true. The problem was, I had never really stopped to question them.
I had just accepted them as truth.
That is where so many of us get caught. We live from beliefs that came from someone else’s opinion. This is not to blame and shame, often they are said in a well meaning way. We live by rules that were handed to us years ago. We carry old beliefs and opinions into our lives today, then wonder why we feel stuck.
I had to learn that just because a thought appeared in my mind, it did not mean it had to be true.
That was a huge turning point for me!
I’ve written more about how our thinking shapes our experience here, if you’d like to go deeper.
I had to question what I believed
I did not wake up one morning and suddenly feel better. That is not how it happened. It happened over time with many ups and downs. Slowly I retrained my thinking and understood many of my deeply held beliefs were created by others’ opinions about my abilities and how I would fit into that world.
Those questions were not always easy to sit with, but they mattered.
Because the more I questioned my thinking, the more I could see that my mind had been running on old programming.
Chronic Health and Identity
When you live with chronic health challenges, it can affect far more than your body. Your confidence and the dynamics of relationships are in many ways changed. Work and how you have done this in the past can become a problem. Purpose that sense of who you are and what you stand for can take a huge knock.
That is a hard thing to admit.
People often talk about the physical side of chronic health, and of course that matters. But the emotional side matters just as much.
The quiet grief, anxiety starts to grow fear of becoming a burden to others. Loss of compassion for self tends to promote a “stay strong” mentality or even worse I do not matter anymore.
I know what it is like to have to rebuild how you see yourself. Much of what I am writing is coming from my own experience of how I felt and what I thought.
If you’re navigating a diagnosis yourself, you may find this piece on coping after diagnosis helpful too.
Mindset Is Not Pretending
I want to be very clear about something. Mindset is not pretending everything is going to be fine. Real mindset work is getting brutally honest. Reframing those beliefs that no longer serve your new found purpose. Understanding that you are unlikely to be going forward all the time, there will be setbacks as you adjust to this new level of understanding. You may find new uncomfortable emotions as your mind opens to new thinking.
For me, mindset change became less about trying to be positive and more about learning how to respond differently. I could not always control what was happening around me. However, I could begin to control how I was reacting. For me that changed everything!
This is the same principle behind CBT – a modality I’m fully qualified in which is all about learning to notice and reframe unhelpful thoughts rather than just “thinking positive.” The NHS has a clear, grounded explanation of how it works here.
Best Version of Myself Today
This is where Best Version of Myself Today comes from. Not the perfect version. Definitely not the fixed version. Just the best I can be today!
Some days that might mean pushing forward. Other days might mean just resting. There have been times where difficult conversations were needed. On many occasions those old beliefs have crept into my thinking. That is something that needs to be recognised and understood.
That is why this matters to me. Because sustainable change does not happen in some big dramatic way. It often happens slowly from small decisions. Remember all journeys start from that first step no matter how small. It is not about perfection it is about direction.
This idea sits at the heart of everything I do – you can read more about how I work with people here.
The Beliefs That Keep People Stuck
I have learned that many people are not stuck because they are lazy, weak or that they do not care. It is often fear of change, not being good enough, being found out, even a fear of failure prevents people from moving on. This is not an extensive list but I am sure you get the idea.
A fear that I encounter probably because I am advancing in years is “it is too late for me” or “I am too old to change”
Those beliefs can quietly shape a whole life and my response is always that it is never too late. It is my belief or take on those situations – they are avoidance tactics, becoming uncomfortable is usually where the real growth resides.
Practicing the BVOMT approach will move you towards more understanding and help you achieve those long forgotten goals.
Coaching, Neuro-Linguistic Programming and hypnotherapy are not about forcing someone to be positive. They are about helping people look beneath the surface. Because when you understand the pattern, you can start to change it, your choices will change and life starts to move!
Rock Bottom Was Not the End
Nineteen years ago, I could not see a way forward. However, I am still here. I am not writing that lightly. I truly understand the gravity of some of my life choices. For me every day is a blessing.
Where you are now may feel heavy. You may feel confused or that nothing can change. Hear me when I say your current story does not have to be the final story. The first step may feel a bit tender or even shaky. The important bit is you have taken it.
That is where I would start. Not with a ten year plan or even a five year. Just look at the choices you are making now! Imagine how things would change if just for today you stopped letting that old story influence your choices. Imagine making choices that will benefit this new version of you that you are now building.
Rock bottom was not the end for me, it was just the place I started to rebuild my life on firm solid foundations.
That is why I believe so strongly in becoming the Best Version of Myself Today. Now is the only time that truly matters and today is enough to begin.
